101 Damnations
December 9, 2005 by Douglas · Leave a Comment
Well I thought I would do something different today – I am going to write about me, and the things that drive me crazy. I know – I know, but I need some ME time.
I decided I don’t like shopping with women. Except my mom – I am immature enough to embarrass the crap out of her while walking through Fred Meyer. But all other women (that I have had the great fortune of shopping with) just don’t do it right.
Here’s the deal, I end up pushing the cart. This is fine, because I assume the cart pushing position – if not, the contents of the cart get all messed up. I like to go get it and get it out of the store. Alas with each Operation: Shop & Buy, it takes forever! Running the risk of leaving a man down – and no one will be left behind! My wife has finally succumbed to me in the grocery store – this is a plus. She now selects an item off of the shelf and hands it to me. At this point I mentally play grocery Tetris to get the most items in the cart with the best cart bustling integrity.
Oh but then there are the non-grocery stores where I again have cart duty, but have to navigate the other customers as I try to keep pace – think of the scene in Hunt for Red October – where they are hurtling through the underwater canyons. I WISH I had nukes! Just slow up ladies! I know this is holiday season – but this is TARGET… Maybeline will still be there in ten seconds!
Here’s another thing – I love my boy. He turned five weeks on Monday – but for some reason, maybe it is an Oedipus complex: he can’t look at me. I can be holding him and direct his face directly at me – but those damn beady eyes look around me. To the left, the right, they trace an outline of my head – but nothing – I GET NOTHING. The wall is painted WHITE son! It’s not THAT interesting! That is… until I hand him off to mom, when he makes perfect-timed eye contact – and I swear he sneers at me. Little punk! I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP!
One thing he DOES do while I hold him, is grope at my chest like a senior with a sorority girl. It’s not even that enjoyable – I bought him a baseball mitt today… with hopes.
I don’t like it when people are eating when they are talking to me. In person or on the phone. I don’t mind online. What you may not know is that I keep a trough near me all the time. I occasionally have to share some with Templeton – but I can stand to give it up. But if I call you on the phone – or for God sakes if you call ME, swallow first – please. And if you have to keep eating, just don’t even bother calling me. I am not bulimic – and I don’t need to purge right now.
I hate ColdFusion.
Another thing I don’t care for are damn commercials on the TV at night for scrumptious food – when the fucking restaurant is closed!
“Try the new honey ham cheese melt with bacon – now only 35 cents only at McChurckenlickins, get one today!”
You ass holes! You closed two hours ago and don’t re-open until 11 a.m.
So here is my inevitable question, which I have learned, that if you want to inspire people to participate in your blog, you should ask a personal or thought provoking question. And since I don’t do “thought provoking” (not a big fan of the thought provoking) I will do personal:
It seems that condom manufacturers enjoy putting coupons for their product in their packaging. Has anyone ever used a condom coupon? Have you ever bought a condom based on the economics of it all? That question provokes something in me – but it is not thought.
