Chrysalicious

I have chewed Wrigley’s and I have chewed Juicy Fruit and you Sir, are NO Juicy Fruit.

There are those of you out there in the 360 blog world who will state: “Dude, Juicy Fruit is made by Wrigley…”  Come off it, dude – I’m making a point, not a cohesive point!

Just a little warning to all you Fresh-Breathers out there, don’t chew your Altoids gum like it is a long lasting breath freshener.  Oh, sure it starts like a lot of lame gums, it has that burst of flavor and minty cool freshness that the consumer demands – but then it turn instantly into that hard pebble of slightly chewable amalgam that we call “gum”.

I have purchased more than one package of Aloid gum in my day.  I favor the original Curiously Strong Mint in its native form, but occasionally I do like to nibble on the supple sustenance it provides in a chewy form.  I still do this actually, contrary to what I found out about this otherwise repulsive Chiclets imposter.  What I have discovered is that there is a half-life to this gum… there is a point when this gum, ceases to be “gum”.

Case in point: I was driving down our country roads on afternoon, munching on a crispy piece of Altoids Gum – happily enjoying my drive – so much so, that I do not even recall my destination.  I had begun my chewing about twenty minutes previous, and it took this long before the world came undone…

Imagine if you will a butterfly and the cocoon it creates to turn from lame caterpillar, to magnificent butterfly… beautiful, isn’t it?  Okay, now imagine that this cocoon is made of a hard outer gum shell… and that you are chewing on it.  Mmmmmm.  Minty Fresh Even!  Okay so you are enjoying your tough butterfly gestating yet minty fresh chewable – when suddenly!… approximately 20 minutes into your savoring, the chrysalis BURSTS and the butterfly/caterpillar/gum soup fills your mouth.

Not unlike wet oatmeal, you try and contain and possibly reconnect the popped vessel.  Kind of like reconnecting a piece of silly putty from a disconnected portion… pressing, molding, shaping with your tongue, only to find your only option is to abort the procedure, and eject the “gum”.

I held the oatmeal-caterpillar combo in my mouth to the next stoplight… which turned green as I approached.  I waited again, feverishly until the next – and finally was able to spew the Altoid Spawn onto the back roads pavement.  My cheeks finally relaxed from the holding of the atrocious contents… as I reached for another two Altoid Gum Tablets.

Hello, my name is Douglas, and I am an Altoid-oholic.