Bloodrayne: A Vampire Movie That Sucked

Anyone who knows me, knows I like a good vampire movie.  I like the Blade series, Lost Boys, Underworld and the sequel – heck I even liked Fright Night for the most part.  I decided to rent Bloodrayne because I “remembered” that the trailer was decent and I just needed another movie to watch/listen to.  Not worth it!

Dude!  Take two budgets and call me in the morning!  This sad flick was almost unwatchable with the hokey spraying blood and on again – off again bad accents.  I thought when I was renting it: “Ben Kingsley is in it, I’m sure it rocks.”  Why would he be in something poor, right?  Sure, Ben had almost double the screen time as Billy Zane, but it was a joke!  And dang Billy – how’d you get duped into this movie?  I know you’ve been in some stinkers, but you seemed to get out of it okay.

I guess my first clue that it was going to suck would have been… or SHOULD have been that Michael Madsen is in it.  He’s been in his own string of crappy movies, and he always gets the same role.  (Species I and II, Die Another Day, Kill Bill I and II, Sin City…)  Come on Hollywood stop typecasting!

But I come back to Ben Kingsley again – I mean this dude played Gandhi!  And now he plays a lactose intolerant looking vampire.  I don’t buy it.  Maybe it was a Ben Kingsley robot or something.  There was enough other bad special effects – I guess they COULD have spent their entire SFX budget on a Ben-bot.  Something to look into…

The human “hero” in this flick is kind of this Matthew Davis guy.  It’s a tie between him and Michael Madsen – so really, thank God there is a vampire present to be the hero for real.  This guy is slick!  I mean there is this one scene where Rayne is going to attack him, cause she woke from a bad dream and was thirsty or some nonsense… and he’s all “Hey!” and tries to hold her off, but then she throws him against the wall.  Right as she tries to bite his neck he says “Stop” and pulls her head up to meet his and the kiss…and make out… and stuff.  Hey, Michael, use those vampire-controlling powers to tell all the other vampires to kill themselves or something… ya think?

Here’s another thing: I thought Rayne was suppose to be a badass.  But she starts off a total reject, and spends the first half of the movie being knocked unconscious.  That’s the kind of vampire I want to face if I ever meet one.  I need to fight a vampire I can knock out relatively easily.  Then I won’t kill her or it… no, I’ll just lock it up in a cell and stand outside the bars and chitchat.  Oh but wait… after she tells me her sob story about Gandhi raping her mom and killing her, I’ll unlock the door and pretty much trust her, train her on how to fight, and maybe repair her swords.  People back in the 1700s were idiots.