Talking Out Of My A$$

I’m a traditional kind of guy – meaning that I like tradition… and I tend to get set in my ways. This is why I don’t like it when something I like is no longer the norm, or available.

Charmin stopped making regular ol’ T.P. that I used to buy and now classify it simply as Charmin Basic, Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong. Now, I assume that Charmin Basic is akin to Public School toilet paper that used to come in those little single-dispensed leafs from that napkin holder of a dispenser next to the toilet. This stuff was like using loose leaf notebook paper to wipe away your troubles. No spank you!

Charmin Ultra Strong I have not tried. And to be quite honest, who needs an “Ultra Strong” variety of toilet paper? Maybe if you were prone to splintering around ye olde poop shoot, then sure! You might need a little strength to hold up against the wood chipper then… but come on – really?

So this leaves us with the new Charmin Ultra Soft. I have had the grand opportunity to use this very soft and comfortable toilet paper several times, and I must tell you that I honestly do not dislike the feeling. I wouldn’t say its like wiping my ass with grandma’s comfy quilt (’cause that would get me in trouble!… sorry gramma!) but I WOULD say that it makes for a nice cleansing wipe with no fear of getting any of the dirt and grime that normally might accompany said action, on you.

Its not without its negatives though. Don’t get me wrong! I love me some soft butt wiping, but there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to evaluate his usage of daily things that could be considered addictive or an abuse. Therefore I whole-heartedly admit that: “My name is Douglas and I am a toilet paper-aholic.”

Yes sir, I have formed the awesome habit of making a cozy T.P. mitten and swabbing my rear-side with the stuff. The downside to this now is that the new and improved Ultra Soft morphs into pipe-clogging wool after it makes contact with the water below. With each completed “transaction” my damn toilet clogs and begins to overflow!

What is the deal!? What happened to my old Charmin that I used to love? It was great before, and though I don’t mind the feel of the new and improved version… they should have named it Ultra Clog. I even examined the packaging to see if there was a recommended dosage for the first-time user, but there is nothing on the wrapper other than advertisements for the other varieties of T.P.!

I guess I am stuck with their latest and greatest, and will sit silently (but deadly) waiting for American Standard to come out with an Ultra Wide-Mouthed toilet for us Americans. Is it just me?

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