That’s Slick
November 16, 2007 by Douglas · Leave a Comment
There once was a time I would capture insects and bugs creeping around my house and flush them down the toilet. Sure, I could have just let them go outside to scurry off and be free – but I’m not that nice. Oh, sure, I’m NICE, but apparently I’m not humane. Though, what defines one’s humanity? I’m not slaughtering another human… no, there is an invader in my home and I want it gone. Like a little illegal alien I send him to the briney depths to converse with Poseidon… of sorts.
Well sure, that was then – this is NOW. I used to just grab a wad of paper towel, or toilet paper, or paper napkin. I’d grab the little trespasser and toss him in the commode. Now depending on the critter, I would either crush the living hell out of it, or cradle it so that it could enjoy its last few moments of “freedom” and then plunge into the whirlpool of cold septic tank death.
It was so enjoyable to watch the little fellow scurry out from under the paper prison and sit above the water while his happy little island absorbed the toilet water and took him down with it. NOTHING like it! Well, unless you can toss him in and then muster the token urine it takes to humiliate the little fella and destroy his minuscule country with your Wee-Wee of Mass Destruction.
Oh but now I have made the mistake of shortcutting and simply grabbing some of the coveted Kleenex tissues with aloe and lotion and platinum lining. Its handy and in the room – the pest can’t get away cause I keep him in my sights at all times. The only problem is that this Kleenex all that Crisco on it, doesn’t absorb water! Sure it can take a good half cup of phlegm and snot – but it can’t absorb simple toilet water… what the hell!?
The critter ends up escaping from his tomb, as expected, though he is now lubricated and moisturized. His island doesn’t sink with any great speed – and I’m stuck standing there hoping to find something to poke or flip his Kleenex canoe with!
I end up flushing him as-is and pray he stays down. I imagine he can likely make a Kleenex hot air balloon and pop back out and sail away to safety… or all the inhabitants of my septic tank are holing up in Kleenex Airstreams now.
All this makes me glad I’m not a septic repair dude.
I'm an independent web developer and copywriter. When I'm not gazing into the seductive mistress of the internet, I'm helping to raise my two daughters (1 teen, 1 pre-teen) and hyperactive 5 year-old kung-fu master son. Blissfully and happily married to my wife, Kristen - as we try to survive the epic daily battles of suburban life in Maple Valley, WA.