Rain On His Parade

My older sister has always had “it” coming to her. Our relationship throughout our lives has been up and down, with a chance of showers. In fact we used to fight all the time, tooth and nail. Magically one year we stopped fighting, and I took up arms against my younger sister – I guess I have always needed someone to quarrel with!

There are lots of great memories that I have of making my older sister mad or frustrated – or best case scenario was mad AND frustrated. Of course you know that it wasn’t JUST me! She got in her own jabs from time to time and did her best to keep me on edge.

One time she was getting ready for school and was her typical brooding teenage-girl-self and we passed each other in the hall. “Good morning.” I said. She just kept skulking back to her room where she had to finish getting “ready”. I turned and yelled at her: “I SAID GOOD MORNING!!!” To which I was met with a slammed door. I don’t remember if I was really interested in her reply to my oh-so sincere greeting, as I was wanting to yell at her. I mean, who doesn’t like to yell?

Then there was this ONE time (when we were younger) that stands out in my mind, where we were getting ready to take a bath. This was, I think, one of our last baths together growing up. And the reason being? Well first of all, there comes a point when boy parts and girl parts start changing and you don’t really need to see that no matter what your relation. This wasn’t the case – but its a good reason nonetheless.

The real reason was that I grabbed us each a wash cloth – I had mine, and she had hers. I was already in the tub and she was not yet in the tub, but in the room. Her washcloth was floating oh-so nicely on the other side, while I sat in the shallower end dunking mine in and out of the water. I guess I had a brain for remembering things funny (to me anyway) because this is so vivid in my head. I snatched her washcloth and dunked it. Then I got her attention and wiped my butt with it! After tossing it back over to the other side she FrEAkeD ouT! (I laugh even now as I am typing this!)

Sister: MOM!!! Doug just wiped his butt with my washcloth!
Mom: What?!
Sister: Doug just used my washcloth to wipe his butt!
Mom: DOUG! That’s your washcloth now! Give her yours!
Doug: Okay… (trying to sound wounded)
I quickly wiped my butt with my washcloth before tossing it over to her side! There is no escape from ‘the Doug’ – double down!

Well into our later years while we were both still living at home, and in high school I believe, I woke up and discovered it was April 1st. I was never a good prankster, but this day I awoke with a brilliant plan to get my sister but good! (Not butt good, but good!) Every day before school she would grab a short glass of water or something at the kitchen sink right before walking out the door to the bus stop. She learned this from my dad’s routine I think, because he did the very same thing before getting into his car to drive off to work.

When the coast was clear I rocketed to the kitchen and grabbed the spray nozzle that sat in the chrome holster to the right of the faucet. I used some Scotch Tape to wrap that baby tight into the ON position and gave it a quick test before dropping it back into its happy little nozzle-nest. Now all I had to do was wait! I took this opportunity to go get dressed for my own day at the public arena we called school. I didn’t even know what an evil chuckle was, and yet I was mastering it perfectly while undressing and finding the perfect politically incorrect cartoon t-shirt to wear… That’s when I heard it happen!

“What’s this!?” I was already bounding down the hall full of a toothy grin when I heard the exclamation. You know those great matrix movie effects they have when Neo or Agent Smith do some Kung Fu freeze in mid air thing, and turn around to alter their attack… kind of? I tried to do that with little success. My grin had changed uncontrollably to that of panic – and my stomach sank along with all the blood from my head. My dad had gotten a full blast of water from my otherwise perfectly executed trap.

My mother and I reached the kitchen at the same time witnessing my father dripping in his brown business suit and inspecting the hose. “It’s taped!” I forget what exact words transpired next, but I quickly came clean and admitted I had done it, in an attempt to get my sister. I didn’t get yelled at, and he just turned around grumpy and went to change his suit jacket. I think my mom appreciated the joke, even if it got my dad, or maybe BECAUSE it got my dad. I also think she feared for my life, so there was no high-fiving going on.

I slinked back to my room to finish my own dressing and passed him in the hall. He didn’t say a thing to me, and marched right out the door. As I padded further to my room I passed my sister too. I made sure to give her a firm “Hmph!” in passing, knowing that my trap had been dismantled and I would have to take a consolation April Fools victim – and never speak of it again for fear of death.

She and I get along pretty well these days. My other sister however, thats ANOTHER story…!

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