OMG EMG

YAY ME!  I got to go to the doctor today and have an EMG done again on my arms!  It’d been a year and a half since my last one, and while I remembered much of it, for some reason I had blocked out other parts.  I was reminded today of those missing tidbits, and doubt I shall ever forget again.  Anyone who knows what an Electromyograph is, just be silent and don’t spoil it for the others – if you don’t know, then sit back and relax because I want to warn you about the jester giggling doctors and what they have up their sleeves.

The EMG consisted of two parts.  Part one is where they stick scotch tape on your body (arms in my case) and combine that with gelatinous goo swaddled elements, primed to send bursts of electrical impulses through your otherwise unsuspecting body.  The doctor sticks one end of a wire to my elbow like a ground or something, and then the other end near my fingers.  What happens next is not entirely unlike plugging my arm into a wall socket.  Sure the current was sparatic and in in tiny bursts, but my hands and fingers pulsed more vigorously than the time I pondered for an entire afternoon if the gel inside the wrist guard padding of my mouse pad was the same stuff in breast implants.

My doctor paused mid way through the first arm and asked if he had told me of his rules.  I hadn’t remembered any, so I prompted him to give me the goods on these boundaries.  He quickly explained that during this procedure I could scream, yell, curse and even call him names, but I could not hit or kick.  This info was super helpful in getting me to relax.  So far all was going well however, and it was much easier than a year and a half ago.

The doc was super nice and wanted to gab most of the time.  I was cool with this, I mean I was relaxed really – other than when he was trying to get his flux capacitor up to full charge.  His assistant, who was helping me with my paperwork earlier came in and gabbed too.  Of course most of her conversation was about her cat and how the Oregon Beavers were doing.  Ahhh but she was there for other reasons than just to boast about her Alma mater, yeah she was there to help with the tape and goo while the doctor applied his gloves.  Whereas he didn’t need them before, I guess there’s some rule about having them on when the stabbing begins.  Those light blue gloves were tight too!  That’s when it rang through my mind: “if the glove don’t fit you must acquit” – with the first jab.

Mr. Nice Doctor didn’t just stick that needle in me, he dug it in and then angled it.  I swear.  I couldn’t look up into his face.  I had to keep laying back eyes closed.  I can barely stand getting an IV, so having my arm turned into a mancala board wasn’t really on the top of my list.  The doctor and assistant’s game of cribbage went on for only a few minutes according to my my clock which brought much delight – until they had me spin around so we could do the second arm.

The electrical pulses from the car battery he had me hooked up to, measure the latency in my nervous system or something, because my left arm has “definite slowing” in the Ulnar Nerve.  And the needle poking was actually so he could hear the muscles as he put stress on them.  While he’d have me jabbed, he’d also have me move my arm or push against his and the noise erupting from his machine was exactly like an airplane toilet flushing at about 30,000 feet.  The combination of information gives him a good idea of whats going on in my body.  To me it was just someone electrocuting the Tidy Bowl man – but to the educated mind I guess this was medicine.

I didn’t scream or yell.  I never swore or cursed at him, and I didn’t even punch or kick him.  He commented on this too, stating “looks like we aren’t going to learn any four letter words from Mr. Colley today.  He seems like a fine Southern Gentleman.”  Sure, I guess I’ll take that criticism.  I’ve known a lot of nice Southern Gentlemen and being in that crowd is just fine with me.  Little did I know the Doc was more or less challenging me.  I think he and little Ms. Assistant over there had some side bet going on whether or not I’d buckle.  I know this because the second hand didn’t fair as well as number one.  He said the less dominant hand would be more sensative – but how did HE know this was my less dominant hand!?  This guy knows too much!  What exactly is in those medical records anyway!?

Another salvo of zaps from his demon generator and I considered doing more than the occasional gasp.  But as we got to the final two charges I only uttered “Oh!” and then finally jutted out a: “Ohhhh that’s my FAVORITE!”  Not sure exactly where THAT came from, but it was all said and done.  A series of near-biblical track marks in my left arm and I would be ready to go.  My doctor turned from pleasant smiling healer into a centurion fitting me for a thorny crown.  “Please sir, I don’t think that one went all the way through – take a step back and get up to full ramming speed.”

I awoke to find myself in their waiting room with my shirt partially un-tucked, pockets emptied and a new affinity for green electricity.  If I have to do that ever again, I want to know that my electrocution didn’t affect my otherwise size 13 carbon foot print.