Turning the Other Cheek

After about three weeks of daily concentration and a lot of guessing I finally made a crucial decision on something that’s been plaguing my mind.  “Do I or don’t I shave off my beard?”  I think I was making it out to be a bigger dilemma than it actually was.  Or was I?

Having a beard is a LOT of work!  I mean seriously it’s almost as bad as getting a dog or a cat.  You have to clean it, brush it, trim it, feed it, take it on walks, speak to it in a positive tone so that it is encouraged to grow… so you can continue to clean it, trim it ad nauseam.  Thankfully you won’t find your beard scooting its butt across your freshly shampooed carpets, like some dogs I know…

I grew the beard because I never really had one before.  I used to begin to grow them and would be (what I perceived as) encouraged to get rid of it from the spouse.  Granted it was my face, but I like kisses and “making friendly” as much as the next guy.  So I’ve now enjoyed the full spectrum of facial hair – or at least as much as I’m interested in.  I’m normally either clean shaven, or have a goatee.

I kind of see facial hair as a growable mask that I can essentially form to my own purpose to change my identity.  I literally labeled my beard a “Jerk Beard” as I found it easier to be more decisive and to the point, even to the full extent of the adjective: “Jerk”.  Since I am normally a door mat if you will, a regular push-over, the Jerk Beard was a nice change.  And yet today I cut the whole thing off!

I shaved in normal fashion when removing a lot of facial hair, in segments to see the different looks that come with other forms of those precarious masks.  I started by thinning the beard and making it more hip and trendy.  It also made me look gay and also as if I forgot how to use a razor.  I moved on to making my familiar goatee, which lasted all of twenty seconds, as I removed most of it leaving a hideous soul patch and security guard mustache.  Soul patch removed, I was working some serious Paul Blart action.  I had to quickly lose this leaving my entire face cleanly shaven and smooth as a baby’s butt.

Absent having an actual baby in the house, I had to rely on past baby butt dealings.  Sure enough, it was as smooth as I remembered, if not smoother.

I wonder what kind of facial hair ninjas have.  I guess no one knows, I bet once you find out they kill you.  No one will ever know.  Except for actual ninjas that is…