Puppet Master

Did I ever tell you about the time I got blamed for dialing 1-976 numbers and racking up a huge phone bill?  You’d think my parents would have killed me right?  Well this is because you don’t know the full story.  Sure I guess I was an accessory to the dialing, but it wasn’t our phone, and it wasn’t ME who cause the problem… entirely.

Well for several years I had a best friend and his name was Mike Nguyen, and well one day, Mike decided he didn’t like me any more, I don’t know why (I’m probably blocking out the part where its all my fault) and I ended up with a new best friend.  My new best friend’s name was Danny Doody.  Danny drove an orange Ford Pinto and was nice enough to let me hitch rides with him to and from school.  Cool right?  I mean what other awesome story about phone sex could possibly start this way!?

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:
Hey, I remember a guy on ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ named Dan Doody.  What a coincidence!  What are the chances?  Well my friend, this is the very same guy!  Yeah!  I was best pals with the guy who could have been a millionaire!
Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f74507vpumo

Aside from listening to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” 746,890 times in a row, the ride was cool and I didn’t have to sit on a huge school bus with the other losers.  Danny’s Champion Mobile was a 2-seater, population: us.

Anyway this was about the same time several commercials would pop up on late night TV for call 1-976-1001 etc to speak to hot wanton women.  And by wanton women I mean ladies who were randy and needed make-believe-over-the-phone-satisfaction via recorded message, not the flat Cantonese dumpling wrappers… now I’m hungry.  So while chilling in Dan’s room after school reading Garfield Book #41 from his massive collection, we somehow decided it would be a great idea to call one of these numbers.  (Probably my idea… its still kind of fuzzy.)

Turns out, back then, you could dial 1-976- anything and get some lusty lady on the other end practically.  I distinctly remember though, that “1001″ was a magic number.  Not a lot of imagination went into finding it, I think we started with “1000″.  Remember we were juvenile delinquents for the most part, and immature at that… we found, or at least I found the dialogue on the recording hilarious.  Kind of like when you almost kill someone with a large piece of machinery and your delight of having NOT slain someone, makes you nervously laugh uncontrollably.

And she said:
“Mmmm hey stud.  I want you to stick your throbbing **** between my creamy thighs-”

That’s as far as we ever got.  I began laughing and exclaiming: “Oh my God, did you hear what she said!?”  As if it weren’t scripted and recorded… and the same each time you called.  We’d soon find this out actually.  Just wait.  We never got any further than her creamy thighs because Dan would slap his hand down on the receiver and hang up.  We heard all of five seconds into each call, MAYBE.  This was actually the source of all the problems – and I blame Danny.

If you know any thing about 1-976 back then it was like $1.99 for the first minute and who knows how much for each additional minute.  We never made it to a second minute, but I either prompted him to, or I did it myself, dial the number again and again.  Same woman, same message, same desire to violate her in a way only two boys with a speaker phone could – in five seconds or less.  This dial and hang-up routine went n for several actual minutes, on more than one occasion.  I quickly got frustrated because I for one wanted to know what happened next!

Well eventually his parents got the phone bill and Danny pinned the entire thing on me!  I seem to remember his parents talking to my parents and maybe coming to some kind of agreement, I don’t recall exactly.  I know I refused to admit I even knew about such numbers… being so pure or spirit and all.  I was and am a complete angel, I can even prove it.  Just give me a call at 1-976…